A Walk to Remember

Dreams

2009-09-24T03:29:48Z

I just figured I'd post real quick about a dream I had the other night. In the dream my mom came to me. I know it sounds weird but we had this deep conversation. I couldn't tell you what it was about though because I just don't remember. The part that does stick out in my head though was the end of the conversation. I either asked her or was saying something about my grandmother being up there (heaven I guess) with her. She turned to me and said "She's not up here" I took that to mean that she was in hell.... So I guess what really has me wondering now is where do dreams come from. Is it in some way possible that she comes into my head and puts these thoughts there while I sleep. And if so.. was my grandmother really that bad that she didn't make it into the "good" afterlife. This got me reallllly thinking. If I'm right and my mom is communicating with me while I sleep... could she have meant that my grandmother isn't in "heaven" because she's wandering the earth. I always felt like someone walked beside me as I've dealt with the shit and as I've accomplised my goals. Another weird thing was that my first husband told me one night, while we were lying in bed, that there was a woman standing at the end of the bed staring at me. He described her and what she was wearing. The chilling part was that it was exactly how my grandmother looked and exactly what she was buried in. Is she in some way my guardian angel? I kinda feel like she is and always has been. I think each person here is assigned a guardian angel (or spirit mentor) and that spirit is supposed to guide us through life..... Yikes too much deep thinking for me.

In other news, and how weird is this, while on the floor at the hospital tonight there was a man bringing patients up to get them admitted. He looked so familiar so I looked at his name and I was sure I knew him.. soooo I asked. It was my 8th grade teacher!!! He retired from my old school and works at the hospital now. He even remembered my whole family.. He used to work close to my house in the summers though and we always went up there shopping. It was really cool to see him and he was genuinely happy to see me. It was kinda cool.

It's been so long

2009-09-18T19:22:37Z

I haven't written here in years but sometimes you just need to send your thoughts out into the void that is cyberspace. I think I did the twitter thing a few months back.. I just don't remember where I wrote it. I guess that was one of those days I just needed to throw my thoughts out there. Not necissarily for anyone to read it... more just for myself and who knows maybe someone would have answered the questions I wrote back then. It's weird to think back to those words.. I remember it being warm out and mom was still alive. I watched my kids run around outside and play. I sat with them and made chalk people that werent really recognizable as people at all but we called them people anyways because that was the creation in their heads. I just remember thinking... wow I wonder if my mom sat outside and watched me play. I wonder if she ever cared enough to take the time to just watch and enjoy the little miracles she created. If she watched.. astonished.. at the things that we came up with.. I guess i really wondered if she ever loved me the way I love my kids. Even after laying in bed next to her, crying with her, in her last few days... I still had that question in my head. I wanted so bad to ask... knowing that I would never have another chance. I couldn't bring myself to do it, knowing that she would spend her last few days crushed that I could think that, so I just didn't. That question haunted me for weeks after she was gone. It wasn't until I looked back through all our letters and things we did together that I realized that she did. I think there was a time she just didn't know how to be a mom. She wanted to be young and free, and children were just a burden. It was as she grew older and as we grew older that she learned to love and show love. So I guess the answer to my question was that she did love me.. just not until later.

There are times at night that I close my eyes and suddenly I'm on a beach. I'm sitting in the warm sand and I turn my head to see her walking toward me. Her hair is short, blond and curly. She wears a pink button down blouse with a tropical pattern. She has on shorts that make her bony legs obvious. She wears white socks and beat up old tennis shoes. She plops down in the sand next to me and just listens to all the things that are going wrong in my life. Tears stream down her face but she never says a word. I just wish she would and I beg her to.. but she just shakes her head as if she can't give me the answers I need... As if she knows how the rest of my life will play out and she wants to tell me but theres some unwritten rule that she's not allowed. I tell her all about how I've gotten burned by people and I tell her how much I wish she could be here to enjoy her grandchildren. I tell her all about the newest addition, Tyler. I tell her all the things he's doing already, how perfect he is, and all my hopes for his future. It's weird to have that one sided conversation with her night after night, but somehow things do feel a little better afterward. There are so many things she wrote that I look back on now. There are so many words of encouragement. She always said to live each day to it's fullest, and to enjoy your little ones because in a blink of the eye they're all grown up. Lately I feel like I've been looking at life with new eyes...her eyes. I think her words have sunk in and I realize how important they are. Life truely is too short to let people get to you. When you get knocked down you just have to pick yourself up and dust off and move on. I've been trying to live each day like that. While there are some days I still get so angry at the things people have done and continue to do, I also realize how lucky I am. I have a wonderful family, small as it is. I have the greatest friend in the whole world, even though I only have one. I have an awesome boyfriend, as much as he irritates me. I guess I realize now that, yes there are bad things in life and people who will let you down, but nobody can say that my life isn't perfect... because to me.. it is.

ugh

2006-08-18T02:19:29Z

EWWW ANIMAL FUCKERS...

kitti13 @ 2006-06-24T01:13:00

2006-06-24T05:49:54Z

Just a little venting today. It seems to me there are some men in the world who arnt quite men at all. They take everything from you then want to come in and try and take more. They make up lies about you then convice themselves that they're true. Then convince their friends that the lies are true. Nothing is his fault, he can do no wrong because aparently that man (who's really just a little boy) can't get it through his thick skull that he is not God. The world doesnt revolve around him and the games he claims you are playing lol well they're the games he invented and your doing everything you can just to stay in the game. Of course the minute he has to think of anyone else or consider anyone else heaven forbid. You know.. I feel sorry for people like that because they will never know true love because they are so hung up on themselves that they can never take the time to love another person. It would be too hard not to be selfish because its all about them. They try to be all arrogant and act like they are better then everyone else because they really feel so low about themselves, why? Because they know how pathetic they are, they know what losers they are. Oh well. I'm glad there are still wonderful, sweet kind men in the world who have a sense of resposibility and a heart.. A man who will love you through thick and thin no matter what you've done in the past. That will comfort you in your time of need and be there for you as a friend when you thought that was all you wanted him there for. That will put a smile on your face when you think your world is crashing down... hmm could this be love?

kitti13 @ 2006-06-11T23:26:00

2006-06-12T03:36:03Z

Just wanted to put a quick update for everyone. Baby Brandon was born on May 24 (my exact due date) at 7:35 am after a 24 hour labor. Yay for me. Lol anyways he was 6 lbs 8 oz and 19 inches long. He doesnt sleep, he has a full head of hair and he is constantly eating. I will try to get some pics up soon.

In other news I'm doing well. I applied to college today! I'm gonna try to get my associates in nursing. Good luck to me with 2 kids and a job. i thought about it and I figured it was going to be hard and challanging but hell I'm up for it. Bring it on! I'm nervous but really excited too. I'm also looking into getting a new car, well SUV to be exact. It will be a lot easier to get the kids in and out of that then it is my 2 door. So hopefully that will be happening within the next few months. Other then that I'm finally starting to shrink back to pre-pregnancy size (thank god) I'm ready to party! I kinda already started and got really drunk after barely drinking anything (I blame it on not drinking for 9 months) but I had a really good time. I havn't laughed that much in months, it was some much needed fun time.

Things are going really well for once. I get to take my munchkins on vacation this weekend I'm looking forward to it. Life seems to be falling into place so hopefully things continue to go well. I'll write more when I have time.

kitti13 @ 2006-04-29T22:46:00

2006-04-30T02:59:29Z

3 more weeks and baby boy will be here!!! ITS TAKING TOO LONG!!! Oh well In other news life sucks. You probably all knew that though. Love doesnt last, everybody dies and nothing in life is easy. Sometimes you hit a fork in the road and the person you're traveling with cant decide which path to choose so you have to choose the path yourself but sometimes that means leaving your traveler friend behind. Then you may get halfway down that path and turn back and wonder if you should have brought your friend along but now if you turn back and go get them you risk getting lost or theres even a chance that person isnt there anymore. So now your stuck with a whole new decision to turn back to get your friend or keep going and maybe you'll meet someone new in your travels and they can join you on your journey. Then if you do meet a new friend and they join you on your journey what happens when you hit another fork in the road? Does the whole cycle start over again? Hmm.....

The scribe

2005-12-10T20:48:44Z

She grabbed a pen and wrote the words
she wrote them from her heart
the precious words she held so dear
were soon ripped all apart

This demon came and stole her pen
not letting truth be known
he took her pen and all her words
he left her all alone

The monster turned and did depart
his intentions were not sweet
he had a plan within his head
the scribe he would defeat

The demon sent her words to all
her heart he wouldn't spare
his demon friends they had no souls
they laughed without a care

The scribe had learned of what occured
her heart soon after died
the demon knew what he had done
he knew he stole her pride

The demon beast knew he won
he held his head up high
yet the weary scribe had not lost
her soul would never die

kitti13 @ 2005-12-07T18:00:00

2005-12-07T23:08:59Z

This evening is so cold and dark
so step into my light
let me see you as you are
show it all tonight

It's been so long and you're alone
I opened up my door
I waited days for you to come
but soon my patience wore

Now holidays approach so fast
and though you're far away
we miss the man we once knew
and think of him each day

In his place a gentle spirit
with no conscience there at all
a woman filled with so much anger
an angel who indeed did fall

Daggers of angry words were thrown
and our hearts were broken
the damage caused cannot be fixed
we vow no more is spoken

In this battle no one wins
we fought until the end
now if you step into my light
I'll see who took my friend.

Meme

2005-11-09T22:17:37Z

1
Height: 5'4"
Your Age: 22
Your Birthdate: May 20
Your Haircolor: brown
Your Eyecolor: brown

2
Currently listening to: my mom talking
Currently Wearing: a red hoodie
Currently Feeling: anxious
Currently Eating: beef stew (thanx mom)
Currently Drinking: chocolate milk

3
Favorite day: Saturday
Favorite weather: warm sunny 75 degrees
Favorite show: Veronica Mars and Tru Calling
Favorite Person: Kayla
Favorite Food: Clams!
Favorite Drink: water
Favorite Sport: hockey

4
Plans for today: Watch tv
Plans for tomorrow: Work and go to a movie

Plans for the weekend: Going to see a cool band and a party.

Plans for the month: Get the fishies out of the pond and just go with the flow.

Phone or Internet: Internet
Large party or Small get together: Small
Comedy or Horror: Horror
Love or Hate: Love
Single or Group date: Single
Black or White: black

5
Do you own a Cell phone? yes
Do you own a Car? yes
Do you have a tattoo? no
Do you want to get married? yes
Do you have/want kids? im workin on number 2 we'll see how much sanity i have after this one comes.

6
Last person you talked to: Mom
Last person you hugged: Joe
Last person you IMed: Kelly
Last Person who slept in your bed: Joe
Last Person who made you mad: Joe
Last person who came to your house: Nick

7. x marks the spot
(X) Slept all night in a bed with a person of the opposite sex
(X) Slept all night in a bed with a person of the same sex
(X) Slept for more than 12 hours
( ) Missed a week of school or more
( ) Put chapstick on more than 5 times in an hour
(X) Kissed more than one person in a day
(X) Created a survey
( ) Eaten a worm
(X) Jumped on a trampoline
( ) Ridden a unicycle
(X) Done something special for someone else
( ) Paid more than $50 for food at a fast food resturant
( ) Got caught cheating on a test
(X) Talked on the phone while going to the bathroom
(X) Brushed your teeth while on the phone
(X) Written a poem
(X) Randomly called people out of a phone book
( ) Been on a yacht
(X) Put bananas in your cheerios
(X) Lied to a friend to make them feel better
(X) Dated someone 2 years older/younger than you.
(X) Eaten frosting out of the original container
(X) Had a dream about an internet friend.
(X) Fallen in public
(X) Had your pants rip
(X) Recently had a PB&J sandwich
(X) Have your parents meet your principal
(X) Killed an animal (insects, hello)
(X) Been prescribed to 1 or more medications by a doctor
(X) Wished you were an only child
(X) Used your friends razor with out them knowing
(X) Been unproud of a decision you made
(X) Worked for a family member
(X) Been told you were too young
(X) Made out in a car
(X) Kissed a friend, then their best friend
(X) Been to a concert
(X) Gotten away with a lie to your parents
( ) Been dumped the night of a dance and left with out a date
(X) Been cheated on.
( ) Gone out with a person one of your parents set you up with
(X) Hated to admit you are wrong
(X) Ridden in a shopping cart
( ) Went into a mini mart in socks
(X) Worn a tiara
(X) Been in a play
(x) Gone to church more than 2 times in a week
( ) Copied more than 30 CD's in a day
( ) Made a movie
(X) Dressed "gothic".
(X) Worn 2 or more layers of clothing
(X) Had a stalker
( ) Been to California
( ) Lived on a house boat
(X) Swam in clear blue water
(X) Sat in a doctors office with a friend
( ) Run across 6 lanes of traffic
(X) Made fish lips
(X) Hit on a waitress/waiter
( ) Taken pictures with a stranger
( ) Been to Busch Gardens
(X) Made a public speech
(X) Been on television
(X) Choreographed a dance
(X) Felt used
(X) Made a smoothie or milkshake
(X) Had fun at work/school
(X) Watched Desperate Housewives
(X) Watched a movie/TV show so often you could quote every word
(X) Listened to an old *NSYNC or Backstreet Boys CD more than once in a day AFTER they were popular
(X) Kept something from a past relationship
(X) Given someone else flowers
(X) Taken a foreign language
(X) Gotten to school at 6:15 in the morning
(X) Laughed for no apparent reason

8. What did you do last night? Laid on the couch

9. Who was the last person you called? I dont remember.

10. What does the 5th text on your phone say? the what? text message? i cancelled my cell.

11. What was the last thing you thought? Oh lord

12. When was the last time you got hurt? yesterday.

13. When was the last time you cried? today

14. When was the last time you lost something? dont know

15. What was the last movie you watched? Heartbreakers

16. What was the last t.v show that you watched? My wife and kids

17. What do you want for your b-day? money

18. What are you doing tonight? Veronica Mars and CSI

19. When was the last time you went on vacation? February to New York.. or in august but i only went top geauga lake and put in bay.

movies

2005-11-07T23:29:21Z

(X) Pirates of the Caribbean
( ) Boondock Saints
(x) The Mexican
(x) Fight Club
( ) Starsky and Hutch
(x) Neverending Story
( ) Blazing Saddles
(x) Garden State
(x) The Princess Bride
( ) Young Frankenstien
( ) AnchorMan
( ) Napoleon Dynamite
( ) Saw
(X) White noise
(X) White Oleander
(X) Anger Management
Total here: 16 My Total: 9

(x) 50 First Dates
( ) Jason X
(x) Scream
(x) Scream 2
(X) Scream 3
(x) Scary Movie
(X) Scary Movie 2
(X) Scary Movie 3
(X) American Pie
(X) American Pie 2
( ) American Wedding
(x) Harry Potter
(x) Harry Potter 2
( ) Harry Potter 3
( ) Resident Evil I
( ) Resident Evil 2
(X) The Wedding Singer
( ) Little Black Book
Total here: 18 My Total: 12

(X) The Village
( ) Donnie Darko
(X) Lilo & Stitch
(X) Finding Nemo
( ) Finding Neverland
( ) 13 Ghosts
( ) Signs
(X) The Grinch
( ) Texas Chainsaw Massacre
( ) White Chicks
(X) Butterfly Effect
(x) Thirteen going on 30
( ) I, Robot
( ) Dodgeball
( ) Universal Soldier
(X) A Series Of Unfortunate Events
( ) Along Came A Spider
(x) Deep Impact
Total here: 18 My Total: 8

( ) KingPin
(X) Never Been Kissed
(x) Meet The Parents
( ) Meet the Fockers
(X) Eight Crazy Nights
(X) A Cinderella Story
(X) The Terminal
( ) The Lizzie McGuire Movie
( ) Passport to Paris
(x) Dumb & Dumber
( ) Dumb & Dumberer
(X) Final Destination
(X) Final Destination 2
(X) Halloween
(X) The Ring
(X) The Ring 2
( ) Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle
(X) Practical Magic
(x) Chicago
(X) Ghost Ship
( ) From Hell
( ) Hellboy
(X) Secret Window
( ) I Am Sam
( ) The Whole Nine Yards
( ) The Whole Ten Yards
(X) The Day After Tomorrow
( ) Child's Play
(X) Bride of Chucky
(x) Ten Things I Hate About You
(x) Just Married
(x) Gothika
( ) Nightmare on Elm Street
(x) Sixteen Candles
(X) Bad Boys
(X) Bad Boys 2
(X) Joy Ride
(x) Seven
( ) Oceans Eleven
( ) Oceans Twelve
(X) Identity
Total here: 41 My Total: 25

( ) Lone Star
( ) Predator I
( ) Predator II
(X) Independence day
( ) Cujo
( ) A Bronx Tale
(X) Darkness Falls
(X) Christine
(X) ET
( ) Children of the Corn
(X) My Boss' Daughter
(x) Maid in Manhattan
(X) Frailty
( ) Best Bet
(x) How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
(x) She's All That
( ) Calendar Girls
( ) Sideways
(x) Mars Attacks
Total here: 19 My Total: 10

( ) Event Horizon
(x) Ever After
(X) Forrest Gump
( ) Big Trouble in Little China
( ) X-men 1
( ) X-men 2
(x) Catch Me If You Can
(X) The Others
(X) Freaky Friday
( ) Ring of Fire
(X) The Hot Chick
(X) Swimfan
( ) Miracle
(X) Old School
( ) Ray
( ) The Notebook
( ) K-Pax
Total here: 17 My Total: 8

(x) Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
( ) Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
( ) Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
( ) A Walk to Remember
(X) Boogeyman
( ) Hitch
( ) Back Door Sluts 9
( ) Anal Acres 1
( ) Anal Acres 2
( ) B-Cup Divas
(X) The Fifth Element
( ) Star Wars episode I The Phantom Menace
( ) Star Wars episode II Attack of The Clones
( ) Star Wars episode III Revenge of The Sith
( ) Star Wars episode IV A New Hope
( ) Star Wars episode V The Empire Strikes Back
( ) Star Wars episode VI Return of The Jedi...
( ) Troop Beverly Hills
( ) Swimming with Sharks
(X) Air Force One
(X) For Richer or Poorer
( ) Trainspotting
( ) People Under the Stairs
( ) Blue Velvet
( ) Sound of music
(X) Parent Trap
(x) The 'Burbs
(X) The Terminator
(x) Empire Records
( ) SLC Punk
( ) Meet Joe Black
( ) Wild Girls
(x) A Clockwork Orange
( ) The Order
(x) Spiderman
( ) Spiderman 2
( ) Amelie
Total here: 37 My Total: 11

(x) Mean Girls
(X) Shrek
(X) Shrek 2
(X) The Incredibles
( ) Collateral
(x) The Fast & The Furious
(X) 2 Fast 2 Furious
( ) Sky Captain Of The World Of Tomorrow
( ) Closer
Total here:9 My Total: 6

(X) Titanic
( ) Saved
( ) Bowling For Columbine
(x) Farenheit 9/11
(X) The Sixth Sense
( ) Artificial intelligence (AI)
( ) Love actually
( ) Shutter
(X) Ella Enchanted
(x) Princess Diaries 1
(X) Princess Diaries 2
(X) Constantine
( ) Million Dollar Baby
( ) Envy
( ) Eurotrip
(X) Malibu's Most wanted
(X) Big Daddy
(X) Black Sheep
(x) The Breakfast Club
( ) West side story
Total here: 20 My Total: 11

(X) A Christmas Story
( ) Spanglish
(x) Pulp Fiction
( ) Sleepover
( ) The Evil Dead
( ) Killer Klowns From Outer Space*
( ) The Seed of chucky
( ) Vanilla Sky
(X) Nightmare Before Christmas
( ) Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind
( ) Interview With The Vampire
(x) The Crow
( ) Purple Rain
( ) Reservoir Dogs
(x) Wayne's World
Total here: 15 My Total: 5

(x) Wayne's World 2
( ) 21 Grams
(X) Blow
(x) Edward Scissorhands
(x) Clerks
(X) Beauty and the Beast
( ) Guess Who
( ) Monster In-Law
(x) Elf
( ) Stuart Little
( ) Stuart Little 2
(x) Mall Rats
(x) Chasing Amy
(x) Dogma
(x) Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
Total here: 15 My Total: 10

(x) Beetlejuice
( ) The Last Samurai
( ) The Amityville Horror
( ) The Aviator
(x) Romeo and Juliet
(X) Barbershop
( ) Beauty Shop
(X) Legally Blonde
(X) Legally Blonde 2
(X) The Forgotten
(X) Confessions Of A Teenage Drama Queen
Total Here: 11 My total:7

Total overall: 122

kitti13 @ 2005-11-01T18:48:00

2005-11-01T23:49:01Z

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	7.7
Mind:	7.7
Body:	5.9
Spirit:	7.8
Friends/Family:	5.9
Love:	7.3
Finance:	7.7
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

For a friend

2005-09-06T20:10:03Z

1. I love you not because of who you are, but because
of who I am when I am with you..

2. No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one
who is, won't make you cry.

3. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you
want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with
all they have.

4.. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand
and touches your heart.

5. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting
right beside them knowing you can't have them.

6. Never frown, even when you are sad, because you
never know who is falling in love with your smile.

7. To the world you may be one person, but to one
person you may be the world.

8. Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't
willing to waste their time on you.

9. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people
before meeting the right one, so that when we finally
meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.

10. Don't cry because it is over, smile because it
happened.

11. There's always going to be people that hurt you so
what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be
more careful about who you trust next time around.

12. Make yourself a better person and know who you are
before you try and know someone else and expect them
to know you.

13. Don't try so hard, the best things come when you
least expect them to.

My robot

2005-08-25T18:37:48Z

TArot

2005-08-22T19:08:14Z

You are the Star card. The Star is the light of
hope. Shining in the night, sending light into
darkness, the stars provide direction to
sailors and are a field on which to dream.
Humanity used to look up at the sky and desire
to be there, to find out what it all meant, and
now we have been a distance into space and have
elementary ideas of the makeup of all the
different stars. This kind of achievement adds
further fuel to our hopes. The eternal,
slow-moving stars that will be long shining
past the end of our own existence provide hope
of immortality, and the vast space they suggest
and the very mystery they hold provide us with
excitement and knowledge yet to be discovered.
Image from: Danielle Sylvie Taylor
http://members.limitless.org/~morpheum/gallery.html

Which Tarot Card Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Muppet

2005-08-02T18:49:11Z

Swedish Chef!
You scored 60 Mood and 68 Energy!

You are happy and energetic. People just love being around you and your infectious energy. You're good at entertaining people without even trying, and you make a mean lutefiske.

My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 45% on Mood

You scored higher than 61% on Energy

Link: The Muppet Personality Test written by TheLadyEve on OkCupid Free Online Dating

Quizzes!

2005-07-14T00:40:55Z

Your #1 Love Type: ENTP

The Visionary

In love, you are always trying to improve and grow your relationship.
For you, sex should be a spontaneous adventure.

Overall, you are magnetic, inspiring, and a charmer.
However, you tend to get bored and want to change partners frequently.

Best matches: INFJ and INTJ

What's Your Love Type?

Your Element Is Fire

Your passion and emotion are as obvious as the brightest flame.
You make sparks fly, and your passion always has the potential to burst out.

You are exciting and creative - and completely unpredictable.
You sometimes exercise control, and sometimes you let yourself go.

Friends describe you as sensitive, spirited, and compulsive.
Bright and blazing with intensity, you seem mysterious and moody to many.

What's Your Element?

Meme

2005-07-14T00:24:56Z

Pick 10 fictional characters that you would have sex with, then tag five friends.

1. Jack Dawson in Titanic
2. Zach Siler in Shes all that
3. Derek Reynold in Save the last dance
4. John Tate in Halloween H2O
5. Shane West in Get Over it
6. Alladin in Disneys Alladin (I know hes a cartoon but he could be hot irl)
7. Ian Wallace in What a Girl wants
8. Jack Traven in Speed
9. Jack Quinn in Double Team
10. Johnny Rico in Starship Troopers

I tag Jmurton626, Kmurton626, me2805, Mauryne, and firebird05

MEN!

2005-07-06T01:15:12Z

My husband is driving me crazy today! I hate arguing with him but he acts so ignorant sometimes. Last night he left our back door wide open. I don't mean unlocked I mean OPEN. So I woke him up to ask what the hell he was thinking. I think that started our bad day. Well actually I think it was more the fact that we stayed out until 12:30 and I didn't get to bed until 1:30 last night when I had to get up at 5:45. So I've been extra tired all day.

Like I said I hate arguing with my husband. I feel so bad being mean to him sometimes but he pushes my buttons (maybe not on purpose). He already knows he's irritating me and I'm getting pissed then he starts to raise his voice and slam things around and that just gets my temper going even more. Then we end up in some big argument that should have never begun in the first place.

On top of everything else he wants to go to missouri for 4 days in February. I don't want him to go partly because I don't want to be alone or away from him for that long a period of time. The other part is that we have some trust issues. I know it's hard to make a relationship work when there's a huge lack of trust but what can I say. I like a challenge. Oh and this is a challenge. So anyways he did offer to take me with him in February which ok that's fair on his part but come on I don't want to waste a whole week of vacation. I say waste because it's a clown convention he wants to go to. That might sound fun for some people but I've been to one. It's a bunch of clown/balloon artists that sit around talking about how wonderful they are and how to make these great balloons. It's like 4 days of clown lectures.

So the clown convention will better his career but still I'd be bored out of my mind and too it would put some stress on the relationship. I know it sounds selfish and I feel bad about it. So I told him to go and in return he would have to let me go on a vacation with my friend Liz in August. Well then he threw some huge hissy fit about how he didn't trust her and we would go off and meet guys or something. Then he tells me he just wont go to his convention. Which ok... but now it seems like hes only not gonna go because I'm gonna go somewhere too. He thinks I only want to go because I want to retaliate against him. Maybe thats partly true but not completely.

Every time he goes somewhere and has fun it always makes me feel like he gets to go out and do stuff while I'm stuck at home. Then I just get upset because I feel like he expects me to be stuck at home. So it ends up being a tremendous strain on our relationship. So I figure if I go out and fun too then I wouldn't be so upset that he's in Missouri. It might not make sense to anyone else but it makes sense to me. I know I'm crazy but that's what makes me so unique. :)

Now I'm confused about what to do because I don't want him to be upset that he didn't go, or be upset at me because I'm the reason he didn't go. At the same time I really don't want him to go and leave me alone for 4 days. That would just suck. I don't know what to do. Meanwhile I keep thinking hes more on edge then usual because hes mad at me for being upset that he was going to go to this convention. I have no idea what to do.

I gladly welcome any advice anyone might have on this one. Oh and Jon... I entered for you :)

Getting ready

2005-07-03T06:45:59Z

So I spent all day cleaning. It sux. I'm trying to get ready for the first party we will have at out new house. It's exhausting though. I clean and my hubby and daughter make a mess. IT NEVER ENDS!! arggg. I'm just glad I have and extra day off work this week. Yay.

I'm in the process of dying my hair right now so I get a little cleaning break. I'm so sleepy but I gotta get so much done. HELP ME! Can you tell i'm a little worn out? It's been non stop work for the past 2 1/2 weeks. I will be so happy when I can just relax and enjoy my house. Laziness is underrated. I wanna be lazy! I'm just complaining. I think exhaustion is overtaking my mind and because I still have so much to do I'm a wee bit overwhelmed. Although I am happy about what i've accomplished so far. So I guess there is a bright side.

I'm excited about the fourth of july. I love fireworks. Then it's back to work on tuesday. I wish I was on vacation. I was thinking about work earlier today and I realized that when I am on vacation it will go so fast and then it will be back to work again until next year when I get two more weeks of vacation. and this will be how it is for the rest of my life or at least till I'm 65 or so. It's so depressing. It should be a law that people get like 2 months or something off of work each year. People would prolly go back to work all refreshed and rejuvenated and stuff. It would be great. but alas this is the reality we live in. Well time to go wash my hair and then off to clean.

Hi

2005-06-30T02:55:05Z

Hi I just started my live journal thank to my bro jmurton626 Anyways today was interesting. I went to my cuzins birthday it was fun. My hubby is a little on egde lately because of recent events (those of you involved know what I'm talking about) So he was a little quiet. I have to go to work early tommorow. ewww no fun. Oh well its money. Since we just bought the house I figure money is good. We're trying to get things in order around here. We're having a party on Sunday. I'm excited weee. Too much to do though. But hey if you know where I live feel free to drop in. I guess i better be heading off to bed now. Hopefully tommorrow I will get to resolve something that is long been a problem. Goodnight!